hmmbivalent

I can't expound in detail the reasons why I felt depressed the last two weeks. Reasons, conspiracy theories, hasty conclusions. They are meant for animated conversations with close friends over cold beer or coffee.

Sometimes I would rather take things to myself and just zip my mouth shut. Sometimes the silence means nothing in particular, it's just that I want to avoid otherwise pointless conversations, unnecessary niceties. Other times, silence is used when I want to speak in volumes.

It is a cunning and powerful tool, I must say.

Clearly suffering from a routine malaise... and must admit: some post-VDay blues.

Oh well.

It was twitted last night by my favorite Pinay VJ of all time, Sarah Meier (who I had the privilege of working with for an event last year) - MTV Philippines is saying farewell.

MTV was part of my growing-up years. The highlight of my grade school days was MTV Most Wanted and watching THE Nadja Hutagalung, THE Mike Kasem, THE Jamie Aditya, and their crazy antics. I have planned to send a request and I still have my notebooks where I sketched my ideas like DaVinci. The MTV Singapore address was part of my grade school address book - who knows, I just might need to make an emergency overseas call to request a video or something. In fact, I think I knew the address and number by heart.

There was a time when my strict, morally upright/uptight aunt banned us from watching MTV because one, sex was suggested and two, we were watching too much TV. We were pissed off of course. But when we had the chance, what has to be done was done: we tuned in. It was really the time when I really took to heart the channel's slogan: I FUCKING WANT MY MTV!!!



We knew each station ID, sometimes even reenacted it. My favorite was the one with the butterfly-like steel MTV logo hovering above the girl who was reading. And then she suddenly sticks out her looooong purple tongue and swallows the logo whole. She smiles and says, "MTV... Mwaaaaah."

MTV was the culture thermometer - we pubertal kids then knew what's hot or not from the videos they played. Yes, the music inevitably help us shape who we are today: the stiletto-wearing dance music fiends, the fuck-you-I-don't-give-a-fuck rakistas, the grills-and-hoodies-and-Nike-Dunks hip-hop dudes, or maybe all of the above, depending on our mood.

Proof of this channel's stronghold on our culture is that it is a household name, synonymous to music videos. We would say, "Napanood mo na yung MTV ng Spice Girls?" or even "Napanood mo na ba yung bagong MTV ng Radiohead sa Channel V?"

MTV crept into college life, holding concerts, covering org events. We welcomed them with open arms. Even after the students filed out of our humble theater, we stayed on, chatted with the VJs, had our pictures taken. MTV was there on the last org event I attended before graduation. And Marc Abaya was there to do interviews. Of course we had our pictures taken. It was obligatory.

The channel brought our family together. Everyone - including my grandparents - tuned in to watch Chris Pontius prance in a leopard thong and Steve O puke his lunch out or offer his butt cheeks to a hungry croc. We would take a look at celeb houses and pretend that hmm, we'll be getting the race car bed for our room or build a full-sized basketball court in our backyard too or perhaps get a Rolls Royce just because it would look good in our garage. The Hills and Sweet 16 were our guilty pleasures: we love shouting expletives at those often ungrateful kids and shaking our heads in dismay.

When I became part of the workforce, watching TV has somewhat become a little luxury. But one thing remained: MTV was my default channel. If I don't have any show in mind, I still tuned in, usually while I have breakfast.

Which brings me to this day's first meal. I would've checked last night if there was still MTV but was too groggy to do so. While I sipped my morning brew, I remembered and changed the channel. A blue screen stared back at me. Wala na nga talagang MTV Philippines.

Yes, today is no sweet Feb 16. It is a sad day because video was killed.

Goodbye MTV Philippines and thanks for the memories. You will be surely missed.

I would just like to express my sheer disappointment from today’s news.

Yesterday, I was telling a friend to keep the happy-happy-joy-joy link I shared with him for tomorrow’s sorrow. Little did I know that tomorrow’s sorrow had my name etched on it. In Helvetica bold and Pantone 1955.

This morning, I thought, the 31st is just days away; maybe I should start brushing up on their songs again. Hot Fuss was the only album I enjoyed immensely and in its entirety. The rest, imho, was blah save for some songs here and there.

See, I even created this playlist:

Photo by Katrina Pallon

Raise your hands, sabay-sabay. Let me see your kili-killers, ayyy. | Photo via Marquee Mag

i have been kept on my toes the past week, thus the neglect, the silence.

(for the record, i am not complaining at all. stating facts, that's all. i am very happy with the outcome of work, yay!)

anyway. today, i was kept busy for an hour or so by three things:

may asim.

paano nga kaya?

Enjoyed this one, esp tracks Pina Horchata, Cross Eyed People, Crystalized in the Sky.

finally, was able to see this. i am always late.

watching it was perhaps the best break i've had this year (yes, it's only the 9th day of the year). detachment, although brief, is fun.

note to self: gondry's crazy kookiness will keep me grounded and sane.

---

i haven't been in a dark room in ages to, well, do stuff aside from sleeping.

the only light comes from this laptop, the digital alarm clock, the speakers. listening to these 2 Norwegian boys who'd rather dance with you than talk.

the room reeks of anti-stress pillow mist.

---

and yes, i am reminded of you.

---

sometimes i wish i wasn't obliged to close my eyes because i feel like i'm missing a lot of things, mostly personal.